These Feelings are Real

I haven't blogged in awhile and it's because I have had major changes in my life. I have needed time to be present in those moments but also moments of not being present and letting myself...heal. It's such a shame that mental wellness is not given the credibility it deserves because truly healing the mind and mental self is so important. We do not exercise our mental health enough. This last year has been a roller coaster for me and it has pushed me to truly learn more about myself. I thought that I had been through rough patches - and the truth is, life was not as bad as it could have been - but this was a touch time in my life. I felt such a strong sense of loss on many fronts of my life and it all hit me at once. I was not mentally prepared for it.

There was a song that I listened to on repeat - Capsize by Frenship - and it captured exactly how I felt on a daily basis. I felt that I was in this tumultuous body of water, unable to see land and no lifeboat around. I kept gasping for air but all I felt was the water filling my mouth and lungs, burning me with each breath that I would take. I felt suffocated, I felt lost, and I felt helpless. There is no way to describe this feeling other than describing it like drowning.

I wish that I could tweet, facebook post, instagram that I was NOT OKAY and I was STRUGGLING but it was too scary and honestly, there is a stigma to not being mentally well. I want to say with vulnerability and honesty and transparency that yes, I struggled with feeling happy - hell, with feeling okay. I don't diagnose myself but the textbook definition of what I was going through and how I felt was depression. I felt oppressed, I felt depressed, I felt like I no longer mattered. I lost my agency and it was so hard for me. I got angry, I got upset, and more than anything...I got lost. I was hurting and the only way that I could be okay was to throw up walls around me and protect myself. I felt that I was alone and no one was there for me. No one was there for me in the way that I needed, I was asked to be present but under the restrictions and guidelines of other norms. It wasn't what I needed to feel safe and comfortable.

See, safe has many meanings and when you say "I don't feel safe" people immediately assume physical danger, but one can feel unsafe with being their authentic self or being allowed to process things in their way - and this is how I felt unsafe. My way of healing and dealing clashed and was suppressed and pushed aside. So, I did not feel safe and was not okay. Think of a mental safe space as a place you go to when you are upset and hurt, where do you seek comfort? Now if you do not have that safe place of decompressing, dealing with pain and hurt, or just...having space to meditate and process - imagine what that could do to your well being. You begin to feel unsafe. It does not mean someone is purposefully doing this to you (and it doesn't mean someone is NOT doing this purposefully).

Though what I realized in the last few months, or rather re-learned, is how important it is that I create and maintain my own safety. People will come and go, surroundings will change, environments will change, but I am the constant in my life. I am allowed to create boundaries that maintain my safety and well being. I am allowed to prioritize myself and take the time to care for me. This doesn't mean that I am selfish or self-centered - this is me caring for myself and loving myself so that I can love others. So that I can care for others. Self-care and self-love are important - and for f*cksake, MENTAL WELLNESS IS NECESSARY AND REAL!